Why things are terrible in Canada

The funniest thing I’ve read about the differences north and south of the border in ages:

[It] hasn’t really been much discussed among those in the terrified red states except when, deep in the night, from their respective lumpy twin beds, they whisper to each other across the room as they pop their Ambien and stroke their portfolios and curse their very genitals: oh my God what’s wrong with those freakin’ Canadians?

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