Recruitment advertising as it should be done

Spotted in the current edition of Computing:

The world’s loveliest digital TV set-top box business seeks yet more beautiful people avec les noggins superieur (due to European expansion).

Desktop Support - human shield

We’re looking for a super-smiley wide-awake support guru to act as a part-time bodyguard to our IT manager. We love Linux. It goes like stink, but the desktop drones keep buggering it up. So you’ll need the interpersonal skills of Kofi Annan and a brain the size of a family saloon. You’ll also love getting down and dirty with Macs and know something about Firefox, Contakt, OpenOffice, Jabber and Exodus.

You give us:
- your earthly soul

We give you:
- £25 - 35K, a pension, subsidised gym membership and 65 cups of coffee a day.

Digital TV software engineers

Your current employer doesn’t pay you anywhere near enough. Nor will we. But we do promise you a better time scratching a living wage with us than with the tank-top-wearing ex-hippie you slave for now.
You’ll get to play with the latest and greatest in digital TV products in all their colourful myriad forms - DVB in a box, PVR in a box and IPTV in a box. And if you don’t have fun doing it, we’ll eat your hat.

You give us:
- A good degree or equivalent experience (such as a Saturday job in a chip shop).
- C, real-time embedded OSs and/or Linux and at least two of: DTT stacks, driver development, MPEG, internet protocols, streaming protocols, C++, assembler and punch card handling.
- Experience in GUI development, C+++, interactive services and the obscene retouching of pictures of the CEO would all be a bonus.

And we’ll give you:
- £35-£55k and a company pension.
- Subsidised gym membership.
- Facilities to laminate flowers and paint body parts, or, indeed, vice versa.

Production - are you beastly?

We need a scar-faced sinewy son of Frankenstein to do the hatchet jobs on our suppliers. You’ll be a straight-talking, no-prisoner-taking, bulgey-eyed, menacing barbarian. (Or you’ll need 3 years in production, a relevant HND or higher and a talent for turning slim margins into fat profits.)
In return for your undivided evil, there’s £25-35k, pension, and lots and lots of Natracalm, if you promise not to hurt us.